Kicking Anger’s Butt

June 25, 2024

I have found in my life that my biggest weakness is anger. To hopefully help others along their journey, I will reveal my struggles and steps I took that helped. You may be farther ahead of, or behind me on my journey and that’s ok. Regardless, I encourage all comments to help those who read here. I will not go through all my life’s trauma to explain where my anger may have stemmed, but rather recognize here how I reacted to certain events. To understand where the helpful tips are, I write with the problem first then with a double Asterix “*” show where my helpful hints begin and end. Here goes. Also note that I know you could have just as easily google searched for your answers, so I appreciate your visit and please use google if I don’t complete your needs.

These are triggers I found in myself that you may discover resemble your own:

• Defense mode: putting up a wall of anger to hurt you before you can hurt me,  whether you meant to or not, fear of getting in trouble, etc.
• That was stupid: Why did I do that? Better yet, “WTF did you think/do that?”
• Hypocrites: You said you would do this and did another, pretended to be one way to family and had a different face to others, etc., etc.

DEFENSE MODE

I tried really hard to be obedient so that I could keep from being in trouble. I grew up and am still working on my fear of getting in trouble. Making mistakes had worse consequences than getting picked on by my siblings. With it, however came weariness of how others would approach me in conversation. Getting my name called by a parent, or any respected adult, made me assume I was in trouble. Then when I got in trouble I was likely already punishing myself, so your raised voice and piercing words only delt me more damage. Then you asked me why I did it. I either over explained to look “not guilty” or became reserved because, “like I’m telling you!”

Then I developed this constant feeling of needing to explain myself in fine detail so I could beat you to your being angry at me. I  felt you needed to know why I thought one way, or chose to do something so you wouldn’t be mad. Gradually it became a habit and started explaining everything unnecessarily and essentially “putting up my dukes” in pre-defense.

I also consistently judged others in advance to have the upper hand when they judged me. (Never worked, btw.) I had conflicting examples growing up on how to love someone where they’re at vs. calling them out on their misdeeds to their face, or to others behind their back. It was easier playing the justified victim than figuring out why I was frustrated to begin with.

*If you haven’t caught the drift yet, this one feeds on fear and fear backs you into a corner making you feel like “putting up your dukes”, put on victim lenses, or keep taking hits until you can duck and escape as the only way to survive. I now know that most people aren’t out to get me, or hurt me. My biggest “aha” moment came after reading my grandfather’s journal entries he sent his children (my mom included) in an email. The greatest piece of information came at the end. “Christ said, ‘It is impossible but that offenses will come…’ I think the reason they must come is to help us learn how to handle anger and blame. … So gradually I began to listen rather than get angry and blame [others] for the things that I thought aught not be happening that made me mad.”

After truly listening with the intent to take in what the other person was saying, wanting to not just hear what people said, but take it in with knowing they desire good for me, my day was full of peace. I slipped once, taking on my husband’s anger as my own, but quickly realized I was reacting, not listening. I’m sure I’ll get better with practice as inner peace is my goal and I can’t have that if I don’t love myself or others.**

THAT WAS STUPID & HYPOCRITES

Stupid people obviously has to do with judging people and essentially putting them below us. “Did you see how he’s driving? He didn’t even slow down for that red light and blasted right through!! What an idiot! He could’ve hurt someone!!” Then I’d get someone else to join in and before you know it we’re hyped up on anger and every one is stupid. (Guess what I did while driving not 3 hours later?) Then that’s all I focus on later on that day and soon gained the wonderful ability to complain all the time. It got so bad my husband had to get upset (that’s not something he does) to let me know how irksome it was.

Hypocrites, as we know, are a special breed. They’re so focused on how others see them that they don’t see themselves and that’s really hard when it affects your life or the lives of your loved ones. Whether they promise to do one thing and don’t follow through often, or play the perfect parent at church vs. being an angry monster at home, or repeatedly said for you to do one thing and they completely acted another with a “Do as I say, not as I do.” attitude, hypocrites are often born out justification. They get very comfortable with inconsistency, judge others by a higher standard than themselves, have a superiority mindset, make a big deal out of small things and visa versa, etc. **Either way they’re hard to deal with, but here are 3 ways that helped me to counter their behavior:

1. Leave the conversation if their behavior is really bothering you. Leave with a smile, say a few brief parting words and exit. “Gotta go!” is great in a pinch.
2. Keep your cool and be in charge of your reactions. Their words are just words. Sometimes they might think they’re being helpful. A few deep breaths are a great way to keep your calm and remember to use “Gotta go!”
3. Avoid conflict by agreeing. Sometimes they’re a part of your every day. They want to be right? Then let them. It’s not worth additional fuss over your day.

Anger makes us put on blinders to only see the negative. (Blinders are what are put over horses faces so that they can only see what’s ahead of them to stay focused.)  It keeps us feeling like everyone else is to blame, we’re justified in our actions, and the victim whenever someone tries to talk to us about it. I encourage everyone to read “Leadership and Self-deception” by The Arbinger Institute. This book is great to understand yourself and others.

Another step I took was seeing others in their own human state and their own self-discovery/improvement journey. I realized I was looking for ways to tear people down to make me feel better. Then I’d use complaints to whine about the things I saw or heard, or fretted over. Another book that helped is Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” It’s about finding the win-wins and understanding others before they’ll want to understand you.  He also heartedly emphasizes that you kill relationships by criticizing, condemning and complaining. So to flip that I needed (and continue) to focus on Appreciating, Approving, and Accepting others frequently. That’s how I got a huge push forward in the right direction. I posted my goals on the wall in front of the door so I’d have to see them before leaving my bedroom and have someone (not my spouse) to check in with about my progress.

Now as a slightly harder truth, frustrating as people are, we’re probably so angry about it because that’s something we don’t like about our own selves. While that’s not easy to hear, the way I started easing off that plank was by following my husband’s advice and watch people like I’m watching a show. I can’t interject and make them chose differently, but I can laugh and learn from their decisions and consequences. In other words it’s non of my business. What other people think: Nunya “nun-yuh” What other people do: Nunya (unless it is something you can actually do something about because they’re putting you or others in danger). Now, parents have a certain leeway here over their children in trying to help them make the right choices and grow up well rounded. However, their thoughts about how they think about you: Nunya -because you love them anyway and “this too shall pass”. Their journal: Nunya- it’s often holds things of the past and they’ve moved on. I journaled so my anger, or any other emotion, didn’t leak out onto others. Leave it be. I feel completely different about their phone though. (Another post, another day.) How other parents will think about your kids or you as a parent: NUNYA!! Instead, work on accepting, appreciating, and approving others. It is a huge key to happiness.

One last bit that also helped me out is to be ok with where they’re at. I don’t have to like you, respect you, or trust you, but the Lord wants me to love you and I can love you where you’re at. I won’t expect anything more or less. I might hope you improve, but not lord that over you. That’s it. Then I worked on my own self. You’ll find those around you will start changing for the better as well. They just needed an example. It won’t be easy, but it’ll be so worth it.**

Randomly Yours,

Chelsea