“Communication is tricky. You could say one thing, and they could hear another—both thinking they’re right. How do you bridge that gap?” How to make sure then your words are heard in true hearing fashion? Well, to be honest, that’s not something you can entirely control.
IT’S HELPFUL TO START WITH A NAME
You could be talking, asking, even pouring your heart out, but no one is listening because they didn’t know you were talking to them. If you start with the most important sound everyone loves to hear the most, their name, you’ll likely get their attention quickly and have a 100% better chance of their ears to actually listen. This technique is taught by Dale Carnegie in his book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. “Imagine you’re in a crowded room, talking to someone who seems distracted. You say, ‘Excuse me,’ but they don’t respond. Now try using their name: ‘John, can I get your thoughts?’ Suddenly, their attention shifts to you.”
HEARING VS. LISTENING
We could go to webster dictionary, but I’d rather boil it down in laymen’s terms. Hearing is what our ears are scientifically capable of doing (minus those who are hearing impaired) and listening is an art or skillset we choose to improve upon. I can hear the ocean, the birds, the sounds of children at a playground, but to truly listen is a work of heart. You have to care about and respect the other person enough to let their words resonate within without letting other distractions get in the way. I hear my mother talking, but I’m listening to the T.V.. Five times later with a now aggravated voice, I listen to my mother and wonder why she’s so angry, get defensive with an “I didn’t hear you!” and now we’re both not listening anymore because our ego’s are up.
Back to starting with a name. You’re likely to get their attention the first go around by starting with their name. It will likely take them out of their zoning mode (T.V., phone, inner zoning thoughts, etc.) and boost their ego because you used their name or remembered their name (if you’ve just met).
TONE OF VOICE
How your words are heard depends on both you and the listener. You might be reaching out, but they hear anger. You could be smiling while telling a joke, yet they still feel defensive. While you might not be able to control their reaction, it’s very likely that if your tone is often harsh, indifferent, or frustrated, people will tune you out and likely avoid you. Even with the best intentions, words spoken without warmth or a smile can easily come across as cold or even combative. A simple smile, though, can transform the energy of your message, softening your words and opening the door to genuine connection. Try smiling before you speak, and notice how it shifts the response, inviting understanding rather than defensiveness.
ACTIONABLE TAKEAWAYS
- Use their name to grab their attention (and likely to keep from repeating yourself)
- Listen with your heart to show care and respect for the other
- Smile before speaking to offer warmer words and help avoid the other from hurt feelings.
Remember, communication isn’t just about what you say; it’s about how you make others feel. Master these small steps, and you’ll find your words not only heard, but truly listened to.
Randomly Yours-
Chelsea